Sooo......After work last night I had planned to go out for a quiet drink by myself and go home to soak my sore tired feet and get to bed early- Instead, my brother calls me when I'm just through my double gin and tonic and half way to the train to go home. He invites me out to a show. I had sad no but my rubber arm was twisted and I ended up going. The show was at Cafe Campus and was three bands, two of which were really awesome: Hot Springs and Malajube. On the way there I had a feeling, that funny feeling that your going to run into someone you know. I knew who it was, I was just kinda hoping not to run into him.
Within half an hour of being there and thinking I'd seen him five times, I saw him for real. We were talking and drinking and I turned around and I felt my body go numb. This time it was him for sure, standing not 5 feet away from me. I promptly went to the bar to light a smoke hoping that by the time I'd turn around he's be either gone or come to say hi.
But as I turned around, he was there talking to my brother, I did the oh hey what's up and got the standard double cheek kisses. And then the vacant nothing to say stare. And then I felt so incredibly ridiculous with nothing to say that I literally hid next to my brother until their conversation was over and we went back to watch the show. I didn't even say later or goodbye, I literally put my hands over my face and followed my brother downstairs. At the bottom of the stairs my brother gave me the 'are you ok?' look and a big hug.
I cant really explain what it is this guy does to me but it's really irritating. He renders me completely unable to think and be normal not in the way it originally did. Like when you have a mega crush on someone and you get nervous and happy, now it's just like I feel like such an ass and incredibly embarrassed around him. I really don't know what I was thinking about when I though he may be into me. And now when I see him which is usually two times a week when I go out I just cant help but feel like all that time he was being nice to me cause he's a friend of my brother's and out of pure politeness he's nice to me. And that maybe a few shared makeout sessions were based on nothing more than me be available at the time, and in reality it could have been anyone.
So I was thinking about that all day today while I went on a cleaning rampage of my room. I also reflected on the fact that three people asked me why I was still single. STILL.
Truth is I don't know, well actually I think I do know why now. I'm completely unsocial. I have ZERO social skills. I have no idea how to initiate conversations or sustain one. I'm not really well read or partivcualrily smart and I guess I just feel like I have nothing interesting to say.
Not being social can be a big obstacle in meeting people. I literally search for things to say before I go out. Try and think if anything funny happened at work, if I had a funny dream or learnt something new......
I need a social instructor. That and to loose 10 pounds.