I am sick.

I am sick.

I've been sick for like 2 weeks now. It never grew into a big cold/flu thing (for which I'm grateful). It has, however, remained a stubborn cough that grows greater in intensity during the night. The coughing fits start at about 8-9 pm and don't stop until my lungs ache and my body gives up and then I can fall asleep. Usually at about 3-4am. Then I'm waking up at least 4-5 times to pee cause I've been drinking tons of water to stop coughing and plus the cough medicine I'm taking kind puts me into a drug like sleep that gives me horrifying nightmares.
So I wake up, very unrefreshed, very sore and very tired to go to work. The day is ok. I don't cough much but I get the hot sweats and constantly feel like I'm on the verge of passing out.
I am miserable.
I am sick

I think my misery is keeping me sick.
Yes I'm still wallowing in my breakup misery.
All it takes is something small to set me off.
Tonight it was an episode of Six feet Under, at one point, one of the characters is in bed with her boyfriend and she was lying across his chest and sort touching rubbing his chest hair- It was too much like it used to be with me and him. I close my eyes and could very clearly remember the way it felt to lie in bed with him. His smell, the up and down of his chest as he breathed, his arm around me, his fingers combing my hair.
I miss him and I have moments that all I want is to see him but I'd also like to kick him really hard in the nuts....Repeatedly....Hard.
Fuck fuck fuck

Today was miserable...

Today was miserable...

Well no, today I was miserable. I was feeling pretty down un the dumps and all over achy.
Everything made me cry- It was like PMS. All it too was a dead flower or a lonely ant and off I went.
I think my body is just tired and stressed out to the max and I'm just sorta letting it out bit by bit. I don't know really-
I'm in the sad part of the breakup- where you miss everything you did together.
Oh well- at least I have a good job that makes me happy.
I had Wednesday off but was asked to participate in a body painting event. I told my mananger that I had never done it before- but was very interested in either participating or observing- and she insisted that I participate and I was more than happy to agree.
As long as I'm busy- I'm ok.

SO my weekend?

SO my weekend?

Yeah, I spent it being sick. I'm illin' and it sucks. Well I guess it could be worse. It's not like I have the flu- I just feel uber tired and weak, itchy throat, cough and a loss of voice.
I think I may have a new World's Record for most Ginger Ale consumed in one weekend.
Before being struck by illness, I had a nice night of playing crib with my friend Allen. We had a lovely time and it was so enjoyable that we decided to not keep score. I mean win ... Loose...Who cares right? It's a friendly game after all.....

So besides that I've been trying to feel better about the breakup. I know it's dragging on and on but it still feels very fresh to me. I'm beginning to wonder when it's going to get better. I can't stand to see couples and huggy kissy business. It makes me sick with hurt.

You know I was staring to think that it would be fun to go out and pick up and flirt and all that- then I just couldn't imagine going through with it. I though about being with someone else and it hurt really bad- Even without doing it it made me feel guilty.
It's like when I see these people,e hugging or holding hands I can remember and almost feel the way it did when I was with him. I can still smell him around and when I do it hurts so bad to know I'm never going to kiss him again. Me and him will never spoon at night again. I'll never be held the way he held me.

And it fucking sucks.

Fucking Dink Lagrota

*sigh*

I did go to Ikea and actually bought something this time. The lovely Krister desk you see before you now stands in my room. It's actually quite nice, not only is the height perfect, but I like looking down into my screen as opposed to looking straight at it.
This was the first Ikea trip where I didn't feel as if I was going insane. We met up with m,y brother, his wife and my nephew and we had a nice (but short) visit together. I think it was because I was middle sedated with cold medicine that it went so well at Ikea. I guess that's the trick.

I think I just had a mini heartbreak relapse

Maybe what they say about dairy before bed giving you nightmares is true......

NIGHTMARES 

Maybe what they say about dairy before bed giving you nightmares is true......

Last night I had repulsive dreams. Actually they were going fine, the usual cookie cutters dreams began early on in the night. I don't really remember those ones, but I assume they were of happy thing like cookies and candy, jumping on clouds and flying- them I guess the hot milk I had before bed took effect. I t was like being stuck on a bad trip.
I dreamt that I was in some sort of hot foreign country on the beach. But not happy tanning type beach, more like grown over rocky beach with cold grey waters.
So I'm there and eating foreign foods and stuff, then I start feeling dizzy and heavy. It feels like I'm borderline passing out- eyes rolling back, hot sweats, cold shivers- I collapse to the floor of the place I'm in. I pull myself up and drag my increasingly sick body to the outdoors where I proceed to regurgitate what I've been eating. I'm in tall grass and after I recover from the intense sickness I've just endured- I see the grass rustling.
The long blades of grass shaKe and quiver in an erratic manner. I wipes the hot tears from my eyes and try to focus. Something is moving there- right there where I was sick..... I close my eyes tight and shake my head in another attempt to focus my vision on what I cannot believe I'm seeing.
Indeed I had been very ill- and now I can see why. Two small shrimp-shaped creatures lay they amongst the remains of my aborted lunch.
About the size of my fist now, the creatures grew larger- spawning thick razor like claw from all sides of their bodies. The began to look like pink circular saws.
The creatures continued to grow and I continued to stare in disbelief- the sick pain in my stomach now returning.
I remember running from these things and crying out for help but no one would listen. It was one of those things that everyone knows about but no one acknowledges because they are too afraid.
SO in my dream I'm running around barfing all along the beach, I fall unconscious which coincides with me actually waking up chocking and gagging.
I was face down on my bed, blanket wound tight around my legs and all pillows on the floor.

All in all it was a gross dream that left me feeling sick- I was even beginning to wonder if I had been ill in my sleep and looked around for evidence- thankfully there was no sign of "illness" anywhere.

NOTE TO SELF;
no more hot milk before bed

that says it all...... 
Another day down. Another day of healing.
I'm at that point of the breakup where I'm not quite an emotional mess anymore, I'm not really angry, I'm over being vengeful....Now it's the lonely phase.
Now I feel the void. My body feels something is really missing-
Yup, I feel the loneliness. I'm missing the dates, the outings the walks, the dinners......The companionship laced with butterflies and anticipation.
sigh sigh....At least I'm sleeping more than 2 hours a night now and am at about 56% or my usual self.

Love is like a bag of chips. You can't just have one, they're wonderfully delicious and irresistible. The make you happy at the time.... And the next day you feel like shit.
Take THAT Forest Gump!


So tomorrow I'm staring my piano lessons. My friend has offered her services as teacher and we begin tomorrow- It'll be fun and one more thing to keep my mind occupied. I just hope she's got real patience... I haven't really played the piano in like 20 years.....Oh not only does that sound like a long time ago but it makes me sound old too- yehk.
I can't believe I'm at an age where I can refer to things as being done "20 years ago"

Tomorrow I work from 14H00-18H00.....How great is that? I can sleep in AND still be off early enough to have a life.....

SO let's see. It's been like 2 weeks since he left me. I think I'm doing better.
I spent a week of total debauchery, getting krunk off my badonkadonk and spent the other week recuperating.
At least I'm not crying all the time anymore- Now it's only sparked randomly.
Like today I though I have made it without shedding a tear, and then "Nothing Else matters" (Metallica) comes on my shuffle........Floodgates....Flood-gates.
It's so ridiculous and I imagine this will all fade away and then I can be over him and move on....No wait- Actually I don't want to move on. Yes I want to move on from him but do I really want to move on to another?
NO.
I think I'm a strong enough person to be fine without a partner. Not to say the partners are weak and need that someone else, but I think for me- I may be happier if I don't settle down.
You know what who the hell knows and who really cares anyways. I'm going to keep going on doing what I'm doing and being happy- SHOULD I get involved with someone along the way then FINE- But I ain't going out of my way to go get them.
("THIS I KNOW FO'SHIZZLE")

*** 

Ok so I got my dream job- the one I've been fantasizing about for like 6 years....
I couldn't be happier there. My first day was so busy I didn't even have time for a break- Everyday is like Christmas there. I love it. I love running around and being busy- It took a little getting used to (like an hour) and then I felt right at home. I love the people I work with and I love what I do- I feel really good about this move.
And thank God for this. Now more than ever I need to be busy and distracted.
You see that post from a few weeks ago?...The one that said how lucky I am........While it's still true that I am lucky for my family and friends, one thing has changed. The boy.
For no apparent reason he left me last week-
I don't understand him- I've been burnt many a times and am the type to forgive and give the benefit of the doubt to any new guy- But after this I'm wondering if I can really trust again? I'm sure I will but it'll take a lot of convicing..

What a jerk- not only did he break my heart, but he took away my trust in others...